Q: If you have twenty apples in one hand and seventeen in the other, what do you have?
A: Either really big hands or really small apples.
 

Only in America: -Banks leave vault doors open, but chain the ink pens to the counter.
                       -Cars worth thousands of dollars are left outside while useless junk is stored in garages.
 

Three guys from a very prestigious British university decided to take a trip to the Sahara desert for a vacation. They each said that they would bring one thing with them for their trip. The first guy said, "I'll take water in case anyone gets thirsty." The second guy said, "I'll bring food in case anyone gets hungry." The third guy said, "I'll bring a car door. If we get hot, I'll roll down the window."
 
 

Dear Mom and Dad,
    Gue$$ what I need? Plea$e $end $ome $oon.
    Be$t Wi$he$,
    Your $on $ammy

Dear Sammy,
    NOthing much happening here. Please write aNOther NOte soon. Bye for NOw.
    Love,
    Mom and Dad
 

Teacher: If you had fifty cents and asked your father for another fifty cents, what would you have?
Student: Fifty cents.
Teacher: You obviously don't know how to add.
Student: You obviously don't know my father.
 

Patient: Doctor, I just swallowed a roll of film.
Doctor: Don't worry. Nothing serious will develop.
 

Sam: How much for a haircut?
Barber: Ten Dollars
Sam: How much for a shave?
Barber: Three Dollars
Sam: Please shave my hair.